Letting go: Why holding onto grudges can be damaging

Journalist Meredith Lepore admits it: She really can hold a grudge. She says her typical grudge can last five to seven years – or even longer! She felt snubbed when 12 years ago friends didn't give her a bigger role in organizing a bachelorette party.

In her twenties, she took offense when a roommate yelled at her for locking herself out of their apartment. Is she still made at her? "I would have a drink with her, but I would never call her a friend," Lepore said.

But the granddaddy of her many grudges centers around – of all things – a birthday cake back in college: "My parents had sent me a birthday cake. So, I put the birthday cake in the fridge one night, and then the next morning it was gone. Somehow we figured out that a boy had taken it late at night – he was, like, telling people about it, and, like, boasting about it."

Lepore says she comes by her grudge-holding honestly. "My father – nicest guy, a brilliant doctor, you know, kindest bedside manner – we've always joked that he was gonna write a book called 'Grudges I've Had,' you know, just about lifelong grudges."

Asked about other traits that she thinks leads her to become more inclined to grudges, Lepore replied, "I am a sensitive person. I think some people are much better at letting things roll off their shoulders."

Grudges are incredibly common, with one survey finding four out of five adults (78%) harbor some lingering resentment, with the average holding seven grudges at the same time.

And those hives, says Colier, can buzz for decades: "I am working with one person who is holding on to a grudge against a high school friend – this a person in her fifties – over a scuffle to do with a boy when they were 17. She's still furious, still walking around angry."

But all of this is counterproductive. "We're lighting ourselves on fire, and expecting the other person to die of smoke inhalation," Colier said. "We have this misguided idea that we're punishing the other person."

VanderWeele says, whether held for a day or a decade, grudges are just bad for us: "Studies indicate greater levels of cardiovascular trouble, higher levels of depression, higher levels anxiety."

It also seems to be in fashion politically, with politicians now wearing their grudges on their sleeves. According to Colier, "It's very childlike."

"Forgiveness is the letting-go of a grudge, the replacing of ill will towards an offender with goodwill," he said. "It's not all that needs to take place to provide restoration and reconciliation, but I do think it's always appropriate. Have goodwill, even when one's been hurt."

Asked what that experience did to her spirit, Ilibagiza replied, "My goodness, I was fighting with God. I was asking him questions. I was angry."