Should You Try Love With a Friend Who Once Loved You?
A changed perspective
The woman says her best friend confessed his love a year ago. She turned him down because she was unhappily in love with someone else and did not feel physically attracted to him. He was devastated, though their friendship survived.
More than a year later, she is imagining a relationship with him. She appreciates the genuine love and support he has shown, but wonders whether she might develop romantic feelings if they tried dating. She is concerned about causing him pain again and asks whether seeking security and appreciation is selfish.
The timing and desire
Shayla Love says the familiar friends-to-lovers story can make a romance seem like a natural extension of a strong friendship. But she sees no clear sign that the woman has experienced a new desire for her friend; instead, she recalls the earlier lack of attraction.
Love also notes that the timing may be questionable. Seeking comfort and intimacy after a breakup is understandable, she writes, but the woman should consider whether that is driving her interest.
Different ideas of love
In Plato’s Symposium, a group of thinkers debate love. Aristophanes offers a story in which people search for the other half from whom they were separated, a view that suggests the woman should look for deep longing before pursuing her friend.
Other speakers describe love in terms of character, growth and balance. Phaedrus links it to becoming one’s best self; Pausanias distinguishes attraction to the body from love of someone’s values; and Eryximachus emphasizes moderation and order. Socrates describes moving beyond physical infatuation toward love of wisdom.
Questions before dating
Love says these ideas could support dating the friend: admiration for his character or the way he inspires her might matter. But the central question remains whether she genuinely wants him as a romantic partner, rather than simply valuing the safety and support he provides.
The account does not establish whether the woman will pursue a relationship. It presents her uncertainty, her concern about repeating the hurt, and the contrast between attraction and other forms of love as reasons to think carefully about what she wants.
Key points
- The woman rejected her best friend a year ago because she lacked physical attraction to him.
- She now wonders whether a relationship could grow from his support and her admiration.
- Shayla Love questions whether this interest reflects desire or a search for post-breakup comfort.
- Plato’s Symposium presents several accounts of love, including longing, character, moderation and wisdom.