I grew up with strict parents and a fear of bad grades. I'm raising my son differently.

Sophomore year of high school, I recall sitting at my desk in chemistry class, head down, working unsuccessfully to hold back tears. I'd done poorly on a quiz in the previous class, and I knew there'd be hell to pay when I got home.

"Practice doesn't make perfect," my mother, a brilliantly successful high school softball coach (four state titles, National High School Softball Coach of the Year), would tell our team. "Perfect practice makes perfect."

She was hard on me, and I understand now it was probably the "Because I know you can do better" approach. And the pressure to perform was as much self-imposed as it was external.

He meant it in a "You'll get the next one, take it easy on yourself" way, but I wasn't thinking of the next one. I staked my worth on being a perfectionist.

It would take me nearly 30 years to learn that perfectionism is a fool's errand.

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The aha moment came when I discovered psychologist Carol Dweck's research on fixed mindset versus growth mindset: the difference between believing your abilities are set in stone and believing they grow with effort

Win or lose. Success or failure. A grades were rewarded; C grades were punished. And a D? It happened just once, in the spring of my freshman year, and the fallout was nuclear. No fall sports.

I check his quizzes, his homework, and his projects, but I don't focus on the grade in isolation. I look at effort.

"What's going on here?" I asked recently, pointing to a few late assignments. I always start with questions, not accusations.

I want my son to hold himself to high standards without fearing failure

I've told my son something my mother never would have told me: the grade matters less to me than the effort behind it.