85-year-old father's visit prompted Vivian Pei's family move back to the US; caregiving wasn't prepared for.

A visit changed her plans

He had remained fiercely independent and worked at his Wisconsin restaurant until shortly before the pandemic. But his house was in poor condition, and Pei realized he needed more help than he acknowledged.

After studying in Paris during her senior year of college, Pei stayed there for two years. She later met her British husband in Singapore, where they spent 16 years raising their children.

Starting over in the US

By March 2022, Pei had decided to return to the US with her children. Her former husband was not enthusiastic, and she knew the move would uproot two teenagers from the only home they had known.

After many conversations, the family agreed. The children now spend every other month, and sometimes summers, with their father. Pei arrived a few months later with her children and 12 large suitcases.

Her father, who had been divorced for some time, moved in two weeks after they arrived. It was the first time Pei and her father had lived together since she was 16.

Caregiving brought new demands

Pei was managing her children’s adjustment to new schools while buying a house, setting up utilities, and learning to navigate the American healthcare system. She later felt she should have allowed herself more time to settle before taking on her father’s care.

As her father showed signs of dementia, his personality changed and managing his moods became exhausting. Care also involved intimate tasks, including helping him with hygiene, which Pei had not anticipated.

Her social life and professional identity in Singapore were suddenly gone. After about six months, she started a food business with her cousin, selling Asian-inspired snacks at farmers markets. The work gave her an outlet and flexibility while she cared for her father.

Grateful for their time

Pei’s father died last year. She is grateful she moved back, saying that cooking and caring for him felt like a way to give back after his lifelong support of the family.

He also got to see his grandchildren every day, something he had missed while they lived overseas. If she could do it again, Pei said, she would move more slowly, settle her children first, and have more open conversations with family about sharing the workload. Pei remains unsure where she will live next, but is glad she returned when she did and spent her father’s final years with him.