I looked successful, lived on Mulholland Drive, and was secretly $500,000 in debt

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Christos Garkinos, founder of Covet by Christos. It has been edited for length and clarity.

I learned from a very young age what success meant: it was money in the till after the lunch rush.

My Greek immigrant parents owned a diner in Detroit. Each day, 150 people would flood in for lunch, and my family would fall apart. My mom would be screaming, throwing things at my dad; as a kid, I wondered every day if we would make it through. But two hours later, with the money in the till, we'd all be having fun.

My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was in my 20s. The business failed, and so did his health. I was making good money working for major global companies like Disney and Virgin, but I never felt financially secure. That's partially because I sent a good portion of my check home to support my parents.

My dad died when I was in my mid-20s. While he was in hospice, I was trying to find money to pay for his medication. My parents didn't have any money, so I took out a small personal loan of about $2,000 to make my dad more comfortable in his last days.

That's when money became a big fear of mine. I was terrified of ending up like my dad.

At the same time, when I made good money, I felt I didn't deserve it. I wasn't comfortable with money, so I would find ways to spend it.

I was doing one thing right, however: I had a 401(k) retirement account, something my parents never had. That gave me peace of mind that I would die penniless, like my dad.

I was living in LA, working in fashion, which had been my dream since I'd first heard the "click clack" of high heels as a boy. I had a lot going for me, and eventually landed a reality show that I leveraged into a spot on the Home Shopping Network.

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I had been absolutely obsessed with the network since I was 14. When I went to Florida and saw a set with my name on it, I freaked out. A part of me thought, "What can I do to mess this up?" I was still self-sabotaging.

Then, my best friend died of cancer. I had already been running with a fast crowd, but when I walked out of her funeral, I walked out of my life. I left my husband, my business, and myself. I was in a tailspin for three years.